My Beautiful Pain

May 10, 2018




This album, Beautiful Pain, is dedicated to those going through difficult emotional times.  Pain in whatever form thrusts you into the darkest days ever.  Just know that you need to tap into an inspiration, a source that elevates you above the pain.  For me it has been music.  Most importantly never give up on hope.  You need it to survive the horrible storms of life. 


The inspiration for the songs in this album come directly from personal experiences.  Emotional Pain is so intense that you become physically ill.   I hope my life experiences will help you overcome your personal pain.



Unspoken Words

Communication is key to success in life.  Say what you mean but be nice about it.  I used to hold things back because I did not want to create issues.  When I needed to express myself I became a raging volcano.  Now I try chose my words and wait until I am calm and at peace.  But some Unspoken Words can also be loud and very clear.  A smile can diffuse a situation and brighten a loved one’s day.  The rolling of the eyes speaks volumes.  So many times I wish I said what I felt or understood the non-vocal nuances.  They are now lost opportunities that cost me lost connections.


Savage Echoes

Words and actions reverberate forever in our memories.  We remember what a teacher or mentor told us years ago.  When you say “I love you” those words transcend through space and time.  Be careful of what you say or do because those actions cause a lifetime of echoes.  


Alternatively those echoes shape and map out our life.  Own up to your past and accept that what is done is done.  Yes I am a Sci-Fi geek.  I must digress a bit to make a point. 


In the Star Trek TNG episode "Tapestry" the alien entity called "Q" gives Captain Picard an opportunity to change his past.  As the events of his past unfold Picard figuratively turns left where he had turned right.  He manages to change everything but at a cost.  Captain Picard is transported back to a different future where he finds himself as a Lieutenant Junior Grade Officer.  He soon realizes that he hates the person he became and regrets changing his past.  To try to rectify the past he seeks the advise of his superiors on what he must do to advance in his career.  They pretty much tell him he does not have what it takes to be in command of a Starship.  Q reappears and tells him that by changing the past and eliminating his regrets this caused him to play it safe as a young man.  Those actions brought him to the place he was in that alternate future.  Fortunately Q has compassion for Picard and he is transported to the real future.  


I am reminded again to own up to the past, let it go, and change the future now.


Cloudy Days

There are some days where there is no light.  Its dark and gloomy.  The passing clouds make the sunshine come and go.  But when the clouds break and the sun illuminates the land all come alive.  In Seattle, Washington it rains at least nine months out of the year.  The days when the rain stops and the sun appears life springs into action as the people try to take advantage of the lull in the rain.


In my recent journey there were days I just was not feeling good.  My mind and body were just not cooperating.  Then a friend would call or I heard a word of encouragement and I jumped back into the game.  The Cloudy Days are few and they are numbered.  There are far many more sunny days to come.


Subtle Tensions

This song is dedicated to those times when you are in a close proximity of someone that you are deeply into.  You smile.  Your eyes lock in on each other.  You hope they catch the vibe.  If done right you close the deal.  I learned that being subtle is much better than being abrupt.  It starts with the little things.  These subtle actions create an emotional connection.  Love intensifies these subtle tensions and the end result is forever.


Comme je L’aime

This is a song about a man professing his love for a woman.  A verse in the song says “As I love her, as she is, I love her”.    I am reminded of the newness of love and how it can survive the harshest times.  Only through forgiveness, empathy, and finding joy in life can rekindle love to become strong and as two become one again.  


The song was sung by Paul B’, a vocalist from France.  He describes the song this way.  “Ok, it's a love song about the woman of my life. I say all that she is for me, and that I love her as she is, with her greatness, with her faults, her madness, her sweetness, her magic, her little fancies, her way of making the little things extraordinary.”  Here is the english translation:


How I love her by Paul B'


How she is my seventh heaven

My perpetual motion

How I miss her in my mornings

How she illuminates the skies

With her winged flights

How I miss her along my path

How she is my second skin

The lines that hold my words

How I miss her in my sorrow

How she understands to light the fire

With so much and so little

How I miss her when she is far away

How I love her, I love her just the way she is

How she is my beautiful song

My melody of shivering delight

I miss her in my chorus

How she caresses my heart

With lullabies for my tearful eyes

How I miss her when she is far away

How I love her, I love her just the way she is

How she perceives from nothing

The peacefulness I need

How I miss her in my tomorrows

How she she understands my weariness

My frailty and my solitude

How I miss her when she is far away

How I love her, I love her just the way she is

How she is my ultimate love

One which is unbending

How she gives me her hand

How she discovers treasures In every hidden scene

How I miss her when she is far away

How I love her, I love her just the way she is

How I love her, I love her just the way she is



Life After

There is life after bad times.  Life continues.  I am reminded of one of my favorite movie quotes.  In the movie Rocky Balboa, Rocky is giving his son (whom is now a grown man), the talk of all talks between a father and his son.  The gist of the speech is this:


“Life's not about how hard of a hit you can give... it's about how many you can take, and still keep moving forward.” 


I always tell my children the same.  I hope that when “life” knocks them down they will remember my words and my actions.  I hope that they get up, shake the dust off, and keep moving forward.  I have to remind myself of this too.  



This song is about my personal space.  The place I mentally go….far away to places I have never been.  The year 1987 was a wake up year for me.  Fresh out of high school I experienced the testing of my friendships.  That year I realized I was not ready and prepared to be an adult.  I realized people only cared for you in your presence.  As they walked away I was alone again.  I lost a lot of friendships for many different reasons.  It was the first year being on my own with little family support.  I made many life mistakes. 

As I tried to make something of myself and build my life it was music that remained in the forefront.  With the help of my brother I bought my first synthesizer.  It was a Roland D5.  It was an entry level board.  But it good enough to allow me to explore different types of sounds.  The most interesting sounds were the ethereal spacey sounds.  My love for Ambient Music was born.  Fast forward to 2013, with the help and love of my family, I put together my own “studio”.  It is the place I go and create music.  Hence the name Studio87.


Beautiful Pain

This song is about two "candles" that sit together on a window sill.  In the song each candle is represented by a synthesizer lead sound.  The candle’s flicker back and forth sometimes in harmony.  At times each one sway differently due to external forces but somehow they come back in unison.  In time candle wick runs out and the flame starts to diminish.  If a candle had feelings I can only imagine how painful it must be for the candle to try to remain alive.  The lifetime of each candle has given a beautiful glow and provided an ambience to the room.  Each candle is fighting for life before the wick ends.  Finally the both the candle’s fire blow out and all that is left is a melted waxy mess.  It was a beautifully painful life for the two candles.



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